Jason moved 3 times during the course of our relationship.
The first move was from an apartment where he was living alone, to a house with friends. We had only been together for about a year at this point and I was spending all of my spare time at his place. I was working at a restaurant at the time so I had more free time than he did and in some ways I am generous to a fault, which meant I packed up his ENTIRE apartment. He had a brown set of sheets and when we moved the bed we discovered the dye in the fabric left a massive brown stain on the wall! I spent hours scrubbing that stupid fucking wall! The one product that finally worked was Windex! (Now I use it to clean everything lol) Then I scrubbed the ink stain out of his carpet, and the entire kitchen - which I don't think he had ever cleaned! But guess what he got his entire security deposit back!
The second move was to another house not far from the first, but it hadn't been rented for a while so it was a bit dirty. The week before he moved in I spent 3 days cleaning the house for him. I took a wet wash cloth to his bedroom walls, vacuumed every room, I even bought contact paper and applied it to every single cabinet shelf in the kitchen - after thoroughly cleaning inside and out of them! I assembled his bed frame and box spring (the box spring had to be taken apart to get it down the stairs at the other house) and set up his mattress and made the bed (a queen size) all on my own as a surprise for him!
The third move was up to New York City 2 years ago. Again I packed up 85% of his stuff and labeled and numbered every box. I used my moms SUV to drive him up to his new place so he could take important stuff with him instead of sending it with the movers. He moved in the middle of the summer and of course his new place had no AC! He had ordered a window unit that was waiting for us when we arrived but it was the wrong size and didn't fit in his window, so we spent the first 48hrs unpacking in sweltering heat! I'll never forget sitting on the floor of his empty apartment and crying, knowing how hard long distance was going to be. He looked me in the eye and promised me we would make it work. By the time I left a week later he was completely unpacked, I took him to Home Depot so he could get the correct window AC unit, and I took him to the grocery store.
Thats just a sampling of the countless things I did for him while we were together. Thinking back I kick myself when I realize how much more I did for him than he ever did for me. I just felt so lucky that he loved me and wanted to be with me, so I guess without being conscious of it I did everything I could so he wouldn't want to leave me. It sounds a little pathetic but I've struggled with self confidence in the past and knowing someone loved me was such an amazing feeling, one that I didn't want to loose.
The worst part is I'm still NOT ok! I keep trying to remind myself of how selfless I was for him and how by the end he was a self absorbed jack ass but I'm still not angry with him. I want so badly to be mad at him for what he did to me and the way he ended things but I still just want him to call and say he made a mistake and he wants me back!
It's been about a month now and I know it will eventually get better, but it's so hard to imagine ever feeling whole again. I still feel nauseous all the time and have no desire to do anything but go to work, come home, and sleep. When will it pass? When will I feel like life is worth it again? When will I finally just be angry with him instead of praying he will call and tell me he still loves me? When will my heart heal?
Monday, August 1, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
The first few months...
About a week after we first met, Jason invited me over to his place one night to hang out. I remember the butterflies I felt at I drove over to his apartment. Pretending to text someone as I waited for him to answer his door so I wouldn't look like a dork standing there awkwardly when he opened the door.
We spent the next several hours talking. He told me about his job, he was kind of like a social worker for adults with disabilities, but he dreamed of being a professional musician.
He asked if I wanted to hear any of his music, and I thought to myself he is awfully full of himself but I didn't want to be rude so I said "yeah I would love to!"
He pulled out his computer and started playing one of the songs he had recorded. It was catchy but I remember thinking it wasn't anything special. I even remember telling my mom the next day that I wasn't crazy about his voice lol.
I don't know if it was my new found confidence or just that I felt really comfortable with him, but I opened up so much to him that night. I told him about my struggle with depression and how I was unable to finish college because of it. I told him about my learning disabilities, and the fact that I still slept with a security blanket! I fully revealed myself to him that night and I never felt like he judged me or thought less of me for all of the things I told him.
Thinking back I cant help but laugh as I remember telling him that there was no way I was going to sleep with him that night because "I wasn't that easy!" But of course once we started making out, one thing led to another!
Before I left that night he said he "didn't want to jump right into a relationship" but he wanted to continue spending time with me and seeing where things went, which I was fine with - I was just happy I found such a sweet guy who was interested in me!
Three weeks later.....
One morning as we laid in bed together I asked him what exactly "we were" - its not like either of us was seeing or interested in seeing anyone else.
He smiled and said "will you have brunch with me?"
I looked at him confused and asked what that meant. He laughed and said "don't you remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother?"
Apparently we had discussed it but I couldn't recall the conversation so I continued to look at him like he was crazy, but he reached over and pulled me closer to him and explained one of the characters (either Ted or Marshall - I cant remember which anymore) once said "two friends cant have brunch together....its for couples!"
Realizing he was asking me if I would be his girlfriend, i'll never forget that giddy feeling as I smiled and started kissing him.
Whenever people asked about our relationship he loved to tease me for ruining his adorable proposal - he never let me live it down.
My birthday is at the end of February and at the time I was working at a restaurant so my coworkers took me out for drinks after we all got off and Jason met us at the bar before taking me back to his place to spend the night.
I was a little drunk when we got to his place and I was so happy I blurted out "I love you" then realized what I had said and buried my face in the couch in embarrassment.
He came over and hugged me as I told him "I didn't want to be the first one to say it!"
He kissed me and said "I love you too and we can pretend that I said it first."
It had only been 2 months but I was truly in love with him and felt happier than I had in a long time!
I'm not sure how it came up in discussion but at one point during the first couple of months I was complaining about my job and told him it would be nice to get a text from him while I was at work because it always cheered me up. So thats what he did - and after awhile I even said to him "even if I don't respond, its really nice to know you are thinking about me."
So everyday for the past 6 years he sent me the same text "Hey! How's your day going?"
I didn't always have time to respond but I always looked forward to getting it.
I don't get that text anymore - I don't have anything to look forward to in the middle of the day. I still look for it everyday out of habit before remembering it's never going to come. He isn't thinking about me. He doesn't care how my day is going.
How do you cope with that? How do I move on when I feel so alone?
We spent the next several hours talking. He told me about his job, he was kind of like a social worker for adults with disabilities, but he dreamed of being a professional musician.
He asked if I wanted to hear any of his music, and I thought to myself he is awfully full of himself but I didn't want to be rude so I said "yeah I would love to!"
He pulled out his computer and started playing one of the songs he had recorded. It was catchy but I remember thinking it wasn't anything special. I even remember telling my mom the next day that I wasn't crazy about his voice lol.
I don't know if it was my new found confidence or just that I felt really comfortable with him, but I opened up so much to him that night. I told him about my struggle with depression and how I was unable to finish college because of it. I told him about my learning disabilities, and the fact that I still slept with a security blanket! I fully revealed myself to him that night and I never felt like he judged me or thought less of me for all of the things I told him.
Thinking back I cant help but laugh as I remember telling him that there was no way I was going to sleep with him that night because "I wasn't that easy!" But of course once we started making out, one thing led to another!
Before I left that night he said he "didn't want to jump right into a relationship" but he wanted to continue spending time with me and seeing where things went, which I was fine with - I was just happy I found such a sweet guy who was interested in me!
****
Three weeks later.....
One morning as we laid in bed together I asked him what exactly "we were" - its not like either of us was seeing or interested in seeing anyone else.
He smiled and said "will you have brunch with me?"
I looked at him confused and asked what that meant. He laughed and said "don't you remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother?"
Apparently we had discussed it but I couldn't recall the conversation so I continued to look at him like he was crazy, but he reached over and pulled me closer to him and explained one of the characters (either Ted or Marshall - I cant remember which anymore) once said "two friends cant have brunch together....its for couples!"
Realizing he was asking me if I would be his girlfriend, i'll never forget that giddy feeling as I smiled and started kissing him.
Whenever people asked about our relationship he loved to tease me for ruining his adorable proposal - he never let me live it down.
****
My birthday is at the end of February and at the time I was working at a restaurant so my coworkers took me out for drinks after we all got off and Jason met us at the bar before taking me back to his place to spend the night.
I was a little drunk when we got to his place and I was so happy I blurted out "I love you" then realized what I had said and buried my face in the couch in embarrassment.
He came over and hugged me as I told him "I didn't want to be the first one to say it!"
He kissed me and said "I love you too and we can pretend that I said it first."
It had only been 2 months but I was truly in love with him and felt happier than I had in a long time!
****
So everyday for the past 6 years he sent me the same text "Hey! How's your day going?"
I didn't always have time to respond but I always looked forward to getting it.
I don't get that text anymore - I don't have anything to look forward to in the middle of the day. I still look for it everyday out of habit before remembering it's never going to come. He isn't thinking about me. He doesn't care how my day is going.
How do you cope with that? How do I move on when I feel so alone?
Thursday, July 14, 2016
6.5 Years - the beginning
I'm 28 and I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 6 and a half years - while I was on vacation! - and I'm hoping this blog will be cathartic and healing so thanks for allowing me to share and be raw and honest with you.
*Names have been changed - but everything else is true
After 6 and 1/2 years together it's over after a $17 phone call. 6 and 1/2 years of ups and downs, job changes, moves, loss of family, weddings (although never ours), holidays, vacations, and inside jokes. How could it just be over that easily for him?
I guess I should go back to the night we met, New Years Eve 2010. It was tradition to have a New years eve party at my house every year but in 2010 so many people were traveling and out of town that it was cancelled last minute. I was working at a restaurant and was asked to work a few hours that evening after someone called in sick. Finally after a crazy few hours dealing with drunk people I grabbed my phone to confirm the nights plans with the few friends that were still in town.
"Hey! We are headed to a party in College Park for the night - come join us" texted Natalie*. I wasn't thrilled about the idea but I figured it was better than staying home alone so I quickly texted her back and asked if they would pick me up so we could all ride together.
About 45 minutes later I waited in my driveway for Amys* dark blue Honda civic, tired from working and not really looking forward to going to some random party in CP. As I hopped into the back seat of the car I tried to feed off the excitement of my friends and make the best of the evening.
"There at least better be some cute guys for me to make out with" I stated as I buckled my seat belt.
They all laughed and told me to relax - it was going to be a great party!
An hour later, pulling up to the old brick town house I put a smile on my face and followed Amy and Natalie into the party.
The moment I stepped inside any excitement I had mustered up was quickly extinguished. There were at most 20 people at the party and only 6 of them were guys. "Uggghh" I thought to myself, this is gonna suck.
I didn't know anyone at the party besides the friends I came with so I quietly shadowed them, and attempted to make small talk with any new people I met.
Not really thrilled with how the night was playing out I followed Natalie into the kitchen to find something to drink and thats when I saw him.
About 5'7", brown hair that was awkwardly parted in the middle, matching brown facial hair with flecks of red, and dressed in jenko jeans, a flannel shirt, and sporting a wallet chain ( I later found out it was a "come as your favorite decade" theme party and he was the 90's).
"Finally a cute one" I thought to myself as soon as he smiled at me. It turned out he was there with a Molly*, friend of Natalies from college, so the four of us started chatting and I learned his name, Jason*.
For a reason that I can no longer recall I didn't drink much throughout the evening so when someone suggested we head to another party I volunteered to drive.
Jason and I headed out to the car in front of everyone else and as i climbed into the drivers seat and he slid into the back I did something I'll never forget.
I turned around to look at him and clearly told him "just so you know, we will be making out later tonight."
I remember the look of shock on his face and the drunkenly enthusiastic "ok!" he offered back, as I sat there still surprised by the very forward move I had just made.
Emboldened by his response I confidently continued to flirt with him over the next few hours and then invited him back to the apartment we were crashing at for the night - an offer he quickly accepted!
Back at the apartment we played the Jewish edition of Apples to Apples ( for some reason i'll always remember that) before everyone else passed out for the night.
Jason and I snuggled into an armchair together and continued to chat and finally make-out! (Score!) We discovered he lived pretty close to me, we both loved musical theater, and we both loved football! I was smitten to say the least, and more than eager to exchange numbers when he suggested it the next morning as we said goodbye.
On the ride home he texted me "You rock and I can't wait to hang out again!". Nothing at that moment could take away the elated feelings I had or the huge smile plastered on my face.
I didn't know what was going to happen next but I knew I had a huge crush on a special guy.
Now 6 years later its over....
*Names have been changed - but everything else is true
After 6 and 1/2 years together it's over after a $17 phone call. 6 and 1/2 years of ups and downs, job changes, moves, loss of family, weddings (although never ours), holidays, vacations, and inside jokes. How could it just be over that easily for him?
I guess I should go back to the night we met, New Years Eve 2010. It was tradition to have a New years eve party at my house every year but in 2010 so many people were traveling and out of town that it was cancelled last minute. I was working at a restaurant and was asked to work a few hours that evening after someone called in sick. Finally after a crazy few hours dealing with drunk people I grabbed my phone to confirm the nights plans with the few friends that were still in town.
"Hey! We are headed to a party in College Park for the night - come join us" texted Natalie*. I wasn't thrilled about the idea but I figured it was better than staying home alone so I quickly texted her back and asked if they would pick me up so we could all ride together.
About 45 minutes later I waited in my driveway for Amys* dark blue Honda civic, tired from working and not really looking forward to going to some random party in CP. As I hopped into the back seat of the car I tried to feed off the excitement of my friends and make the best of the evening.
"There at least better be some cute guys for me to make out with" I stated as I buckled my seat belt.
They all laughed and told me to relax - it was going to be a great party!
An hour later, pulling up to the old brick town house I put a smile on my face and followed Amy and Natalie into the party.
The moment I stepped inside any excitement I had mustered up was quickly extinguished. There were at most 20 people at the party and only 6 of them were guys. "Uggghh" I thought to myself, this is gonna suck.
I didn't know anyone at the party besides the friends I came with so I quietly shadowed them, and attempted to make small talk with any new people I met.
Not really thrilled with how the night was playing out I followed Natalie into the kitchen to find something to drink and thats when I saw him.
About 5'7", brown hair that was awkwardly parted in the middle, matching brown facial hair with flecks of red, and dressed in jenko jeans, a flannel shirt, and sporting a wallet chain ( I later found out it was a "come as your favorite decade" theme party and he was the 90's).
"Finally a cute one" I thought to myself as soon as he smiled at me. It turned out he was there with a Molly*, friend of Natalies from college, so the four of us started chatting and I learned his name, Jason*.
For a reason that I can no longer recall I didn't drink much throughout the evening so when someone suggested we head to another party I volunteered to drive.
Jason and I headed out to the car in front of everyone else and as i climbed into the drivers seat and he slid into the back I did something I'll never forget.
I turned around to look at him and clearly told him "just so you know, we will be making out later tonight."
I remember the look of shock on his face and the drunkenly enthusiastic "ok!" he offered back, as I sat there still surprised by the very forward move I had just made.
Emboldened by his response I confidently continued to flirt with him over the next few hours and then invited him back to the apartment we were crashing at for the night - an offer he quickly accepted!
Back at the apartment we played the Jewish edition of Apples to Apples ( for some reason i'll always remember that) before everyone else passed out for the night.
Jason and I snuggled into an armchair together and continued to chat and finally make-out! (Score!) We discovered he lived pretty close to me, we both loved musical theater, and we both loved football! I was smitten to say the least, and more than eager to exchange numbers when he suggested it the next morning as we said goodbye.
On the ride home he texted me "You rock and I can't wait to hang out again!". Nothing at that moment could take away the elated feelings I had or the huge smile plastered on my face.
I didn't know what was going to happen next but I knew I had a huge crush on a special guy.
Now 6 years later its over....
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